A Listening

Lately, I have been plagued by a listening for someone. I’ve held them within certain parameters that I don’t know how else to treat them but through avoidance. At times, I just don’t want to deal with it. Perhaps, I can just keep moving, pretend that as long as there is distance, everything will be alright. That everything will eventually calm and shift back to the way it was. Or as long as there is distance, then I can remain in the silences, in the solitude that I’ve nurtured and it would be alright.

Today, however, as I followed through my morning routine of bread and lettuces and tomatoes, I realized that I must surrender my listening for this person, attributes I’ve narrowly considered to be unpleasant and annoying (many times). As I know I cannot change that person, I can change myself. I can surrender the listening because even if I wish with all my might that these certain behaviors may change, I should expect nothing. For in the distance, I would lose someone important. What good is it then, these things we hold in our listening, if it means to lose the persons most important to us.

I love you most
in morn and night
limitless, unconditional
and yet I find myself trapped
in these senses so narrowly
purging you from my realm of
hearing… to taste one such
kind memory, I was a moment
ready to accept the emptiness
between you and me now that
countless highways and
oceans divide us…
and I am no longer used to
selfish noises that echo only
from one direction– to know
nothing of the other, you’ve
grown quite content without
consideration, without the
truth of the matter…
but I am not ready,
not for a second or two
to lose myself in this
self-contention that I
surrender, forgive the
listening behind like such
flowers– make you grow(this
time)instead of me

-mr gahon 3/17/14

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